Saskatoon Louise Olympia Wallace C. V.
• Born: Tacoma, Washington, July 4, 1995
• Father: White Polar Bear
• Mother: Rick and Missy's Peaches and Cream
• Marital status: Fixed
• Undergraduate Education: Canine Academy, Seattle, WA, Certificate of Mastery, March 1996
Award for 'most improved'
• Graduate Education: Studied under tutelage of Margaret S. Black 1996-98
• Research Interests: predicting "El Nono Sassy", dynamics of frisbees, air-sea interaction, canine paleoclimatology; canine-human interactions.
Hobbies gourmet dining
Honors and Awards
• ICPP Certificate of Recognition (1997) upon the occasion of her first visit to JISAO
• Association for the Advancement of Animals in Science (AAAS) Seymour Katz Award (1997) for fostering diversity by chasing tennis balls instead of smaller animals.
• Sen. Wm. Foxmire (1998) "Golden Fur Award" for her outstandingly obscure academic publications.
• Margaret Black Memorial Lecture (1999): The Labrador Inversion: Sign of Subservience or Request for a Bellyrub?
• Great Oceanographic and Atmospheric Labrador Scientists (GOALS) Panel, elected to membership, 1998.
Grants
• Rutledge Canine Appreciation Program: (1 treat each morning) 1998-
• Kamenkovich Foundation: (1 sandwich per month), 1998; nonrenewable.
• Margaret Black Memorial Fund: (1 piece of cake each year on April 1)
• Covert Cookie Corporation: (1 doz, assorted, Swedish)
Service Contributions
• outreach to K-12 students, ESL staff, and delivery people
• generosity in sharing tennis balls
• sat on ad-hoc faculty committee on Canine Rewards and Responsibilities
• negotiated an unprecedented agreement with the NOAA Inspector General's office to exempt canine food grants from the rules and regulations of the Bad Animal Restitution Fund (BARF).
Saskatoon Puplication List
A.J. Wagger, 1997: Glove of the month. Mon. Lea. Rev., 97, 1996.
R. Tintinzen, 1998: Role of negative water caper feedback in the doghouse effect. Consequences, 4, 68-77.
J. Fred Springer, 1998: Unrecognized benefits of anthropogenically induced doghouse warming. Global Cli. Rev., 1, 27-35.
M. Canine and Z.B. Yak, 1998: A coupled model for predicting "El Nono Sassy". J. Lab. Sci., 56, 1128-1139.
I. Furre, 1999: Diurnal dependence of "El Nono Sassy". JISAO Rep. #28 (out of print).
H. Gruff, 1998: Are volcanic eruptions responsible for " El Nono Sassy"? MPI Report #121, 34pp.
C. Ropeleashki and Walker: Redistribution of food within JISAO during "El Nono Sassy". JISAO Report # 21, 3pp. (out of print)
E. Smiles et al.1999: Human impacts of "El Nono Sassy". JISAO Report # 29, 32,984 pp. (out of paper)
E. Saskachik, 1999: Muzzle - to - tail "El Nono Sassy" prediction: the crime should be worth the punishment: Consequences, 4, in preparation.
Saskatoon; 1998: The value of strategic barking. In Frontiers of Canine - Human Interaction, M. S. Black, ed., FIDO ASI Series, Springer, Hamsterdam, 897 pp.
R. Kerr, 1999: Climate scientists discover the value of strategic barking. Science, 212, in press.
A. Shabbark, 1998: The influence of the Labrador Oscillation upon Northern Hemisphere canine fur temperatures, Proc. Can.- Can. Soc., 68, 221-238. (in Fr.)
Z. Wuff, 1999: A long overlooked resonant mode of ear-flapping in Labradors. J. Can. Dyn., 36, submitted.
I. Hopf, 1999: Black and yellow bifurcation in Labradors: a step on the road to chaos. (with M. Ghil), submutted.
G.T. Retriever, 1999: On the dynamics of the trajectories of frisbees. Proc. Roy. Soc., 125, in press.
G. Heregirl, 1999: Detecting environmental change: optimal pawprinting makes good scents. Science, submutted.
R. Sass, 1997: Anomalous absorption: key to the disappearing lunches? Science, rejected.
R. Garrrrough , 1998: Incursions of mid-latitude canine species into the tropics. G.R.R.R.L., 18, in press.
_______, 1998: “La Perrita Grande”: harbinger of the winter of the millennium in the Pacific Northwest. anonymous e-mail message.
K. Hasselhund, 1997: Principal Undulation Patterns (PUPs): Wave of the future. J. Cl., 10, 786-789. (Algorithm available in Matlab toolkit #3)
M. Milankobitch, 1999: Why ice ages occur only once in a dog's age. Squat. Rev., 56, submutted.
I.M.A. Biutti: Late Holocene temperatures inferred from sediments in the JISAO refrigerator; JISAO Int. Rep. #26, 22pp (out of print).
P. Gooddog, 1998: Mixing and snacking on isopicnic surfaces; Gourmet Magazine, July issue, 108. (cover page featured self portrait of Saskatoon luxuriating on picnic table).
R. Sassagnucci, 1999: A fast algorithm for T-bone decomposition. Reprints of the Patagonian Cattlemen’s Association (RPCA), 28, 1-22.
to JISAO Faculty
Date: January 19, 1999
In accordance with the procedures in the Faculty Handbook (section 5.3.3f), Saskatoon is being considered for promotion to the rank of Junior Canine Researcher in JISAO. This position is classified as 'tenure track' but even were she to be promoted, her performance would still be subject to review on a daily basis.
As JISAO faculty you are required to evaluate her credentials and vote on whether her promotion would be in the best interests of the University at this time. Note that in accordance with the University's 'up or out' policy, canine researchers are put out to pasture if they fail to achieve promotion within three years after the time they're housetrained.
Among the questions you should address are: Does she do 'cutting edge' science? Is she widely known and respected outside her own pack? Are there specific areas in which she has already left her mark. Would you classify her most important contributions as acts of discovery, synthesis, or deposition? How do her accomplishments compare with those of, say, Liza McDermott, Cody Karpov or Buddy Clinton when they were at similar stages of their careers? Is she single minded and tenacious in pursuing her research agenda? Are her most creative works still ahead of her? Does she have the breadth of vision and innate powers of discernment to enable her to seize upon the tremendous opportunities that are open to her in JISAO? Is she a 'team player'? Does she show promise of developing into a mover and a shaker in the canine research community? Do her accomplishments reflect breadth as well as technical expertise? (The final question is important, since the Canine Faculty Council (CFC) has been dominated by miniature breeds who tend to view Retrievers as superb technicians, but of inferior intelligence. It has played a catalytic role in depleting them from the upper ranks of the faculty.)
In your review of Saskatoon's research puplications, you will notice that she has resorted to the use of pseudonyms in order to be assured that her papers would receive fair consideration in the review process. The CFC does not generally look favorably upon this practice, but it may see fit to make allowances in her case, provided that it can be convinced that she has not used name familiarity (or lack of it) to unfair advantage. Please take this matter into consideration in your review.
Copies of Saskatoon's puplications are available only in the original canine script, which is inscrutable to humans. I had hoped to have translations available in time for this review but was unable to do so because of mysterious incompatibilities which recently developed between her personal software BarkNow and the Kennels 98 operating system. Please note that not all of her puplications have been pedigreed and, owing to their extreme popularity, not all are still in print.
A tally of the votes will be forwarded to the CFC which has ultimate jurisdiction over these matters. As for all faculty appointments, canine promotions are subject to the approval of the Board of Regents. The fact that Saskatoon recently enjoyed an unauthorized hors d'oeuvre at the expense of the Chair of the Board may compromise her prospects for promotion this year, but you should not let that let that prejudice your vote.